10 Things I’ve Learned From My 3.5-Year Relationship

  1. Choose your jealousies wisely. Most of them are imagined anyway. He’s with you because he chooses to be with you. Acting jealous won’t help you convince him you’re worth his time and commitment. Don’t assume he’s after someone else unless you catch him cheating.
  2. In the same vein, pick your battles. What’s more important- being right or being happy? Will it matter a day from now? A week? Even longer? If not, drop it. If so, I’m not telling you to be a doormat. Do the following:
  3. When he upsets you, call him on his bullshit. Speak from a loving place and do so in private. Focus on phrases like, “it bothers me when you (blank.)” instead of phrases like, “you’re an asshole because you (blanked.)” I was once in a relationship where I was proud of the fact that we’d never fought. In fact, we’d never even talked about things that bothered us about each other. This heavy, invisible tension built up as a direct result and in the end, it took too much of a toll for us to stay together. “Fighting” and “not fighting” aren’t black-and-white notions. There are levels of tension in between. Mutually airing out grievances is not fighting. Screaming and being irrational is.
  4. Be as polite and kind to him as you were when you first met. Do nice things just because you want to and you love him. Show gratitude when he does the same for you. If you fall into complacency and treat him like crap or think he owes you something because you let him be your boyfriend, you’re sorely mistaken. I totally understand how it’s possible to treat someone familiar with a lack of formality and forget simple gestures, but when you treat them like they matter, they can feel it.
  5. Respect who he is. I don’t care how perfect he may seem for you, there will be some habits or behaviors that are less-than-perfect. Let the guy be himself, see his friends and have his quirks. When a person knows someone is trying to change them, it sucks.
  6. Respect who you are. Just because you’re in the throes of romance, doesn’t mean he should be the center of your universe. Do your thing, be yourself and still see your own friends. You’ll have more to talk about when you’re together.
  7. Laugh. A lot. One of the biggest reasons we’ve kept it fresh is, we make a joke out of almost everything. It keeps life light and helps us take things in stride. I used to not let people make me laugh when I was deep in a pity party. Now I choose to welcome it.
  8. Break routine every now and then. We’re not too adventurous right now, with me hard-at-work on my bachelor’s, but we try to get out and do something new every once in a while. If money is an issue, keep an eye on Groupon or LivingSocial for deals on fun activities for you to enjoy.
  9. Don’t compare your “progress” with that of another couple. Comparison is a huge red flag that you’re putting focus in the wrong places. At least twice a month I witness former classmates and current friends changing relationship statuses to “Engaged.” Sure, I’m happy for them now.  However, it used to take me to a dark place when I’d think of how short these couples’ courtships were in comparison to ours and why weren’t we there yet? I worried that something was wrong with me. I now respect my boyfriend’s need to feel us out before taking that leap. It is a big deal, after all. He also respects that I of course won’t wait forever for him to make that decision. In the meantime, I check on my status. Am I happy with how this is going in the present? The answer has mostly been yes, unless I had some grievance - which taught me to exercise #3.
  10. Learn to receive. This is the hardest one for me and I’m still working on it. When he says you’re beautiful, a simple “thank you” will suffice. Don’t point out that you actually look like shit because you didn’t style your hair or gained a few pounds or whatever. Learn to just enjoy the nice things he does for you, without worrying about what you need to do in return. If you plan on staying together for a long time, you’ll reciprocate back-and-forth hundreds of times.

  1. Date Posted Icon 7th January 2012
  2. Notes Icon Notes: 1
  1. crazylovelylost posted this